“Welcome to the Christian family... the only family where brothers and sisters can marry each other…"
All the brothers and sisters here send greetings to you. Greet each other with Christian love. [1 Corinthians 16:20]
Here are some cheesy Christian pick-up lines:
"I just don't feel called to celibacy."
Now regarding the questions you asked in your letter. Yes, it is good to live a celibate life… I say this as a concession, not as a command. But I wish everyone were single, just as I am. But God gives to some the gift of marriage, and to others the gift of singleness. [1 Corinthians 7:1,6-7]
“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’ [Matthew 25:34-36]
"I didn’t believe in predestination until tonight."
Predestination: The Divine foreordaining or foreknowledge of all that will happen. [Wikipedia]
"I believe one of my ribs belongs to you."
Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib, and he brought her to the man. [Genesis 2:22]
"I can be your Boaz."
So Naomi returned from Moab, accompanied by her daughter-in-law Ruth, the young Moabite woman. They arrived in Bethlehem in late spring, at the beginning of the barley harvest.
Now there was a wealthy and influential man in Bethlehem named Boaz, who was a relative of Naomi’s husband, Elimelech. One day Ruth the Moabite said to Naomi, “Let me go out into the harvest fields to pick up the stalks of grain left behind by anyone who is kind enough to let me do it.” Naomi replied, “All right, my daughter, go ahead.” So Ruth went out to gather grain behind the harvesters. And as it happened, she found herself working in a field that belonged to Boaz, the relative of her father-in-law, Elimelech…
Then Boaz asked his foreman, “Who is that young woman over there? Who does she belong to?” And the foreman replied, “She is the young woman from Moab who came back with Naomi. She asked me this morning if she could gather grain behind the harvesters. She has been hard at work ever since, except for a few minutes’ rest in the shelter.”
Boaz went over and said to Ruth, “Listen, my daughter. Stay right here with us when you gather grain; don’t go to any other fields. Stay right behind the young women working in my field. See which part of the field they are harvesting, and then follow them. I have warned the young men not to treat you roughly. And when you are thirsty, help yourself to the water they have drawn from the well.”
One day Naomi said to Ruth, “My daughter, it’s time that I found a permanent home for you, so that you will be provided for. 2 Boaz is a close relative of ours, and he’s been very kind by letting you gather grain with his young women. Tonight he will be winnowing barley at the threshing floor… So Boaz took Ruth into his home, and she became his wife. [Ruth 1:2; 2:1-3, 5-9; 3:1-2; 4:13]
“Did I just have mud rubbed in my eyes?"
"How then were your eyes opened?" they demanded.
He replied, "The man they call Jesus made some mud and put it on my eyes. He told me to go to Siloam and wash. So I went and washed, and then I could see." [John 9:10-11]
“Now I know why Solomon had 700 wives... Because he never met you."
King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh's daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites. They were from nations about which the LORD had told the Israelites, "You must not intermarry with them, because they will surely turn your hearts after their gods." Nevertheless, Solomon held fast to them in love. He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray. As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the LORD his God, as the heart of David his father had been. [1 Kings 11:1-4]
"How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?"
By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days. [Hebrews 11:13]
"Unfortunately I can’t perform miracles and I’ve only got enough bread and fish for 2 people."
When Jesus heard what had happened, he withdrew by boat privately to a solitary place. Hearing of this, the crowds followed him on foot from the towns. When Jesus landed and saw a large crowd, he had compassion on them and healed their sick.
As evening approached, the disciples came to him and said, "This is a remote place, and it's already getting late. Send the crowds away, so they can go to the villages and buy themselves some food."
Jesus replied, "They do not need to go away. You give them something to eat."
"We have here only five loaves of bread and two fish," they answered.
“Bring them here to me," he said. And he directed the people to sit down on the grass. Taking the five loaves and the two fish and looking up to heaven, he gave thanks and broke the loaves. Then he gave them to the disciples, and the disciples gave them to the people. They all ate and were satisfied, and the disciples picked up twelve basketfuls of broken pieces that were left over. The number of those who ate was about five thousand men, besides women and children.[Matthew 14:13-21]
“Me. You. Song of Songs: the Remix."
The Song of Songs is thought by some to be an allegorical representation of the relationship of God and Israel as husband and wife. Literally, however, the main characters of the Song are simply a woman and a man, and the poem suggests movement from courtship to marriage. [Wikipedia]
"When I read Philippians 4:8, I think about you."
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. [Philippians 4:8]
“I would leave 99 sheep to come and find you... and then I would carry you home joyfully on my shoulder"
“If a man has a hundred sheep and one of them wanders away, what will he do? Won’t he leave the ninety-nine others on the hills and go out to search for the one that is lost? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he will rejoice over it more than over the ninety-nine that didn’t wander away! In the same way, it is not my heavenly Father’s will that even one of these little ones should perish." [Matthew 18: 12-14]
“Unlike the Israelites, who forgot the Lord, I will remember your name most of the time."
The Israelites did evil in the Lord’s sight. They forgot about the Lord their God, and they served the images of Baal and the Asherah poles. [Judges 3:7]
“You are a Galatians 5 fruit salad."
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.[Galatians 5:22-23]
“Is it a sin that you stole my heart?”
"You shall not steal.” [Exodus 20:15]
“No, I'm not coveting, I intend to make you mine.”
"You shall not covet your neighbour's house. You shall not covet your neighbour's wife, or his manservant or maidservant, his ox or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbour." [Exodus 20:17]
"What do you think Paul meant when he said, "Greet one another with a holy kiss."?
All the brothers here send you greetings. Greet one another with a holy kiss. [1 Corinthians 16:20b]
"I practice our mission to ‘love one another’ to the fullest extent!"
And may the Lord make your love for one another and for all people grow and overflow, just as our love for you overflows. [1 Thessalonians 3:12]
THE KILLER
“Hi, I'm Calvin. You were meant to choose me."
Those who believe in predestination, such as John Calvin, believe that before the creation God determined the fate of the universe throughout all of time and space. [Wikipedia]
*Smacks head*
