Many parents still believe that if your child is so naughty and their act threatens their honour, the child should either be disciplined by the rod or be disowned. I grew up in a legalistic family or perhaps used to and maybe still one. Dad is the greatest discipline master in the history of my school and he carries a big rotan like samurai sword to the school every day waiting to devour on his prey. When I was small, for every mistake, it follows the Isaac Newton’s Third Law, as my father happens to be a physics teacher too… For every atrocity, there is an equal and opposite atrocity. The Bible verses that were used to justify this was:
I will be his father, and he will be my son. If he sins, I will correct and discipline him with the rod, like any father would do. [2 Samuel 7:14]
Those who spare the rod of discipline hate their children. Those who love their children care enough to discipline them. [Proverbs 13:24]And true enough, discipline came from love, even God sometimes disciplines me.
However, instead of loving them, I grew up hating them, hating every single thing they stand for. They used to force me wake up to Sunday School by electrocuting me with that mosquito electricutor. I hated Sunday School so much like nobody, for every one likes it. I never like going school. I was scared of school and teachers because my parents are teachers. I used every excuse to not go to school but I had to submit to their authority. I hated fu gua (bitter gourd) because my parents force me to eat that yucky stuff saying all the nutrients and yakity yak yak. I HATE THEM!
So I grew up rebellious until one day I snatched the rotan from my dad and snapped it. I shut the door bang behind him and I use all my wits and strength to make sure the door separates me and him. Burning hot anger stirred inside “Why small mistake only you have to punish me so hard?”. It was then the same dad, who said “Calvin, Papa don’t want to beat you anymore. Can come out, papa say sorry…”. Sorry? You think that one word that cover your “multitude of sins” against me? No! That day my anger did not subside even when the sun went down. I did not eat dinner and locked that door of forgiveness until the next morning.
Eventually I opened that door, not because I don’t hate my dad anymore, but because I was hungry. I was hungry for food and hungry for someone to understand me. That day was Sunday morning and I had to go Sunday School, if not who knows what tactics of torture my dad has for me? I went. I still hated Sunday School, because that place houses a bunch of Christians who ask you to sing songs you do not why you have to sing and memorise Bible verses that mean nothing.
Then a voice stepped in.
“Why you so unhappy? Your dad?”
“Who are you to care about me?!!”
“No one understands…”
“I understand.”
“You understand? No one understands because the whole world thinks I’m a useless and naughty boy!”
I sense there a scandal coming up, trying to pujuk (comfort and win me over) to become like them.
“Go away, I don’t like you!”
“Boy, I think you are a very good boy.”
“Good? You must be kidding!”
“You can build amazing buildings with Lego, only your parents don’t see it when you mess up the room.”
“Yeah, they never appreciated that. They always ask me to keep all the stuff back in that plastic box which means I have to destroy my beloved house.”
“And you keep building them too. Every time you had to destroy one, you build another brand new one. And now you are a Lego expert! How many other children build Lego like you? They only know how to build monsters and play monster eat human games.”
“Well, I think I am one.” My typical childish and think I’m so great attitude, but I felt appreciated.
“But have you ever thought that actually it was they who bought you the Lego set? Yeah, half of the money is you save up one. But who was the one who gave you those RM1 coins? Who asked you to save them up when you want to spend it all?”
“My parents, but they forced me one. I rather use them all up!”
“And have your ever thought that,” said that voice ignoring my complaint, “actually you became a Lego expert because your parents ask you to destroy and you build a new one.”
“My parents?!!! You better go away, I HATE YOU!!! I HATE YOU!!!”
“Never mind boy, you can hate me all you want, but know that your parents love you and me too…”
“Go away!!! Go away!!!”
I was crying already and my head was down always till I did not know who was talking to me just now. It was noon, and Mr Yong carried back his every-Sunday-crying-one son back home.
However back at home I thought about it again. I played my Lego to brighten up myself and build another of my creation and left all the messy stuff behind and went to sleep. I woke up and went to play with my Lego house. And to my amazement, that house was still there and all the mess I made somebody picked it up.
I began to think. Why dad or mum did not scold me for not picking Lego up? Why they did not destroy that house and even put it at the nicest place in my hall? Was that person right after all? That my parents actually cared? I shrugged.
But the more I think of it, the guiltier I feel. Did my parents actually want me to destroy that Lego house I’m so proud of? They asked me to tidy up the mess only and all I know was I don’t like tidy up my mess and get angry when someone ask me to pick them up.
The next Sunday School I went, I began to look carefully at the words “God is love”. Is God so loving? Why there are so many rules to follow and so many rule enforcers that I have to follow? Why must go Sunday School? Why God seems like trying to punish me at every single thing I do?
I live with that question a long time and try to understand what’s so amazing about “God is love”. Then slowly I don’t know when, I realize that there’s this word grace. I like this word because of that song “Amazing Grace” even though I do not know what it meant when I first liked it. It happeneed to be written by a Newton too, John Newton. Then I realize grace was this “Calvin, Papa don’t want to beat you anymore. Can come out, papa say sorry…”. My dad said sorry even I was the one supposed the first one to say sorry. God was like that. God is fair, no doubt and that means judgement. But God is love too, that means grace. He is willing to forgive a wretched kid like me who misunderstands my parents. But where did the judgement went to? Who picked up that Lego mess I made?
For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son to die for us on the cross, that who so ever, including wretched Calvin, would believe that He wants to forgive every one no matter how big the bad things you have done, would be able to live with him in a place where He would always love you and you love Him for eternity. [Calvin’s Bible John 3:16]*Calvin’s Bible is my thoughts based on Bible*
Then past few days, I had a big fight with Less Big Ghost Head, my younger brother for doing something I hated so much. I shouted to him “If you want to insist on your own way, GO TO HELL!!!” Then the next day, Small Ghost Head discovered a potential evidence of serious sin against him and we both plotted to nail him down to Papa’s furious anger. When he came back from school and I showed him that evidence of “death guaranteed”. He felt ashamed and had no other excuses but to shut up and hide. I was grinning away with the plot of how to tell Papa about that great crime that will send Caleb to tears.
Discipline teacher returned back to his lair and it was show time. All of the hatred against Caleb for years was collecting to erupt like Krakatoa. Then, Papa asked, “Where is Caleb?” with a sense knowing something is wrong.
“He’s hiding because of guilt.”
Then Small Ghost Head happily showed where he was hiding. Then Papa with his rare merciful look said, “Never mind, Caleb. The computer dying down is not your fault.” Evil Calvin the f*cker found the hole, Papa was forgiving him for the wrong fault, at least wrong to me. Wait till Discipline Master sees my evidence and he will tear that immoral child to shreds. But then Papa with his weary look still hanging with mercy looked at me. He said nothing and went to eat his lunch. Then it struck me, “Calvin, Papa don’t want to beat you anymore. Can come out, papa say sorry…”. This time it was Caleb. I felt so ashamed. What happened to “Forgive us our sins, for we also forgive everyone who sins against us” in the Lord’s prayer [Luke 11:4]?
I handed Caleb the evidence and let him tear it. The sound I heard was God tearing my records of sin. Forgiving him let me became calmer and that magma of ungrace waiting to erupt vanished. It breaks the cycle of vengeance and start anew the brother relationship. Forgiveness not freed only my brother, but myself.
I’m not making up this story so I can deceive you into being a Christian or make my blog more popular (scandal right, who doesn’t want, but that is grace), but I just want to write God’s amazing grace on my blog. If you are hungry for someone to understand you personally, try God.
And thank you Papa for showing grace…
And thank you Papa in heaven for showing grace through Lego, and I will take up the challenge that grace which brought me to want to become an architect.
